CHINA - Daddy's Girl

Having selected Lutheran Social Services of New England as our agency, we began our adoption journey in early 2003. We chose a local agency because we wanted to be able to work with social workers face-to-face so that if anything needed immediate attention we could quickly run over to their offices. We found their monthly waiting parents support group to be tremendously helpful. It was through these meetings that we were able to meet many families in various stages of the process. Throughout our trip to China to adopt Holly, we drew upon the lessons we learned from those families who traveled before us.

One subject we discussed in our support group was how fairly common it is for an adopted baby to bond more readily with her adoptive father, rather than her adoptive mother. John and I supposed that the child may already have had a strong male figure in her life or, coming from uncertain circumstances, just felt safer being held by a father. We often talked of this possibility happening to us, since our Holly was nurtured by a nuclear foster family for most of her 11 months of life.

When we met our beautiful little girl, I was first to hold her, and she cried (and I did, too). I then handed her to John and it was immediately apparent that she would spend the next several days in his arms. She’d cry whenever John would leave the room or if I would hold her even while he would be present. When we ventured out, she seemed comfortable only with John.

Of course, I wanted my daughter to cling to me but, because we were prepared for this reaction, I new her attachment and bond to me would come in due time.

This actually worked out fairly well for us. Since I had more experience with child care, I mixed and warmed bottles, prepared her food, fed her (as John held her), changed her (she screamed), bathed her (she really screamed) and kept a journal. She felt so safe with John that given what she had been through, we were content to let her cement herself to him.

Today Holly still seeks Daddy out whenever the situation seems a bit overwhelming to her. As for our mother-daughter bond, it has grown very strong. All three of us love to shout, in unison: “Holly, Mommy, Daddy: FAMILY!”

- John & Mary Beth Gustavsen

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