Domestic Infant Adoption - A Precious Gift
The German priest, professor and reformer Martin Luther (1483-1546) exalted the changing of diapers as a holy and God-pleasing work– a work that my wife Carol and I were eager to do.
We were married in 1996 while I was still in seminary. Shortly after I began to serve my first parish in Western Pennsylvania, we were ecstatic to find out that Carol was pregnant. Sadly, Carol suffered an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy and then, over the next four years, four miscarriages, and then complete infertility. We were crushed.
We thought it would be easy – we’d just do what married people do to have children and we’d have our perfect family, the one we’d always dreamed of. But it didn’t happen that way. After countless doctor visits and costly tests, we didn’t have a clear answer as to the cause of the miscarriages or the infertility. One doctor simply told us, “It just happens that some women can’t have babies.” It was truly heartbreaking to hear these words. We had prayed and prayed to God for a child of our own, but our prayers seemed to go unanswered. Our faith was shaken, and we questioned God more than a few times. “Why would God let this happen to us? Why does it seem as if everyone else can have children but us?”
It has been said that in a marriage joys are doubled and sorrows halved. Carol and I helped and supported one another through our sorrow, and ultimately we have come to realize that God did not will infertility for us, but that we live in a fallen imperfect world and sometimes it does just happen that way. We also came to understand that we are not alone. There are many couples like us who cannot have children in the “biological way.” We ultimately decided to have our family through adoption.
About the time we came to this decision, a mailing from Lutheran Social Services of New England (LSS) came across my desk announcing an adoption information session to be held at a Lutheran church in Connecticut. So Carol and I went. It was very informative, indeed, and, although we were a little overwhelmed, we became convinced that adoption was the way to go. Katherine Beary, director of adoption services for LSS, walked us through the process and was very helpful in explaining the steps we would be taking on our adoption journey. We were assigned to a social worker, Anne McCarty, who worked with us throughout the process. At the risk of embarrassing her, Carol and I cannot praise Anne highly enough for the work that she has done for us. Anne was with us every step of the way, and we are very grateful to her for that. (The entire LSS adoption staff is extremely competent, understanding and just plain excellent! We really appreciate the great work that LSS does.)
Anne interviewed us and conducted our home study. In March of 2006, we were approved to be adoptive parents. One of the things we were asked to do was create a scrapbook of photos to be given to birth-parents to help them select a family with whom to place their child. We attended monthly support group meetings for waiting parents and two required educational sessions on adoption, both of which were very helpful. Anne encouraged us to post our profile on an Internet Web site (parentprofiles.com). This Web site turned out to be a great gift to us! Just before Thanksgiving, Anne informed us that through the Web site, a birth-mother had found us, and after contacting LSS and looking at our scrapbook, she decided that she would like to meet with us.
We were both thrilled and anxious at the same time. This lovely bright young woman was more than seven months pregnant when Anne told us the news, so it wouldn’t be long before Carol and I were parents – that is, if she decided to place her baby with us. But would she like us? Would she trust us to be her baby’s parents? It was more than a little unnerving.
When the time came to meet her in the presence of both her adoption counselor and Anne at the LSS adoption office in Rocky Hill, Conn., we told her how proud we were of her that she chose to bring her child into the world; then, we got to know one another. A few days later we learned that she really liked us and had decided to place her child with us.
Once we found out that we were going to be parents, we told our family, friends and congregation; everyone was so happy for us. The women of our congregation gave Carol a wonderful baby shower and were exceedingly generous. Carol and I busied ourselves getting the nursery ready, and then it happened – on Jan. 9, 2007, our little daughter was born. We had decided to name her Amelia Rose. She was seven pounds, one ounce at birth.
When I first saw tiny Amelia asleep in her bassinet, I was speechless (a rare thing for me!). My eyes filled with tears, and I looked over at Carol also teary-eyed. We all stood silent for a few moments, and then, knowing that Amelia’s birth-mother and birth-grandparents were devout Christians, I led us all in a prayer of thanksgiving and gave Amelia a blessing. I also prayed for her birth-mother, thanking God for delivering her safely through childbirth and asking him to comfort, sustain, and bless her always. After that, we presented her with some gifts, and she gave us a beautiful blanket which she had crocheted for Amelia. This will always be a special keepsake for Amelia to treasure.
It was such a blessing to get to know our baby’s birth-family. They are truly wonderful people. We felt so blessed to have the opportunity to share that time with them, and they told us that they were so glad that we were going to be Amelia’s parents. We had agreed to send Amelia’s birth-mother a picture of Amelia with a letter when she turned six months and then once each year thereafter which was the only contact her birth-mother asked for. But Carol and decided to offer her and her parents the opportunity to visit Amelia someday if they desired. They greatly appreciated the offer, but assured us that we are her parents and they didn’t want to “confuse” her. They were just happy that Amelia was going to a good and loving home. We told them that if they ever changed their minds, a visit could certainly be arranged through the Lutheran Family Services office. Maybe someday they will change their minds.
We love our daughter’s birth-mother and birth-grandparents and have tremendous respect and admiration for them. When we first heard of ‘open adoption’ we were a little apprehensive. But that apprehension is completely gone. We want our daughter Amelia to know that her birth-mother and her birth-grandparents are good, kind, and loving people who wanted the very best for her. Amelia’s birth-mother just felt she was not in the position to give Amelia the life she wanted her to have, and her birth-father was also not prepared for the great responsibility of being a parent. He had supported his former girlfriend’s decision to make an adoption plan, and we are very proud of him for that.
On Jan. 11, Amelia came home with us from the hospital. As I write this, she is almost three months old. We are so in love with her! Every day we thank God for such a beautiful little daughter. On Feb. 18, the Feast of the Transfiguration of Our Lord, I baptized her in the presence of God, my congregation, and many relatives and friends. God has added a new member to our family and to his family, the Church of Jesus Christ. Recently, a friend said to Carol and me, “The quickest way to make God laugh is to tell him your plans.” We had planned to have our children in the “usual way,” but that didn’t happened. What did happen, however, is that God blessed us with a beautiful little daughter through adoption, and now that Amelia is in our lives, we wouldn’t want it any other way. I join with Martin Luther in praying,
“O God... I confess to thee that I am not worthy to rock the little babe or wash [her] diapers, or to be entrusted with the care of this child... How is it that I, without any merit, have come to this distinction of being certain that I am serving thy creature and thy most precious will? O how gladly will I do so... Neither frost nor heat, neither drudgery nor labor, will distress or dissuade me, for I am certain that it is thus pleasing in thy sight.”
God is pleased and so are we. Thank you God, and thank you dear friends at Lutheran Social Services of New England.
The Rev. Jack R. Whritenour is pastor of Trinity, Shelton, Conn. He lives with his wife Carol and their daughter Amelia in Derby, Conn.
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